I’m stronger than steel…I am still here

Attacked by (content redacted) who had known me since I was 14, he then stole my dog and harassed me online. This experience has taught me that I’m made of granite, I’m stronger than steel. I wish I wasn’t because it’s exhausting but I am. I wish I didn’t have to have been strong, forced to be strong. But, there is nothing anybody can do now to hurt me because I’ve been there, and I am still here. I mourn the person I was, sometimes I feel parts of the person I used to be come to the forefront, but there’s a part of me now that preserves that, I don’t show my personality as much anymore, I’ve just fully retrieved into myself… I feel guilty too because I carry this every day and my boyfriend who has been my rock throughout this hardest time in my life, I can’t put the way I feel aside. Writing things down has helped me immensely, not only to remember, but I sometimes look back and can see how down I was, and how I am in a better position today than I was yesterday but not every day I’m confident enough to do this. It is still continuing and I am still going through a process with the police to sort this out because this is killing me, I feel sick all of the time with fear, worry and anxiety. I have just graduated university and should be looking forward to life, making plans, taking my dog out for a walk, but every day I wake up, I am still experiencing coercive control from him but hopefully police help will end this. I take each day at a time and don’t expect much of myself because this is taking up all of my energy. The one thing this has taught me if any good has come out of this evil I’ve experienced, is that I don’t doubt myself, I’m kinder to myself now. I used to say unkind things about myself, like I’m stupid, or fat, or that I’m not deserving because of the way I look etc, but this body, mind and soul has gotten me through the darkest time I’ve experienced and for that I love myself because nobody else has been able to help me get out of this hole except for my own self. It has been, the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do because I’ve had to be myself, a parent to me, a friend to myself, my own personal security, you name it I’ve had to step up and be it because I was attacked with bruises on my skin and nobody physically around me to help me. My boyfriend was at his parents house at the time I was attacked so I didn’t have anyone there except me and my dog. All I done the whole time was think is my dog panicked, is she ok, what danger is she in right now, I didn’t think of myself in the moment I was being attacked, I thought of my dog and for that I know I am truly selfless, responsible, and full of love. Having experienced this, to then receive a message from this man on (date and time redacted) to say you have a car parking fine ‘btw’ (reading between the lines he had opened a letter posted to me and used this info to threaten me (content redacted), and (I think accidentally) liking a random birthday message someone had posted for my birthday X years prior. It wasn’t enough to attack me, to steal my dog, to harass me (content redacted), open my post and use the information in the letter to randomly use (content redacted), it is sinister and I still don’t feel protected.